Commando????

So I was on my way to meet my roommate for lunch last week and a woman, not a few steps away from me, suddenly tripped only to find herself sprawled across the pavement of the busy sidewalk at Dupont Circle.  Not only did the events that led to her dramatic spill draw much attention, to make matters worse....her slinky above-the-knee length dress bounced up and settled on her back revealing what should have been her posterior covered with some sort of "frilly unmentionables". 

Now I can totally sympathize with this situation...having recently exposed my own frilly unmentionables for all to see while standing over a city vent on a busy street....she took it to a whole new level.  After her body came to a skidding halt I suddenly realized that she had the behind alright....without any semblance of frilly anythings....I was so surprised in fact that....I have to admit...I jerked around....eyes the size of saucers...to make sure I wasn't imagining things.... 

Sure enough....there she was laying on the sidewalk bare bum for all to see.  What made it worse was that the shock and scrapes that accompanied the fall consumed her attention for the first few minutes...making her in no hurry to get up...let alone realize how exposed the was and pull her skirt down. 

Let this be a lesson to all you commando-going lovers out there...yes... you may think it your personal right...as much as I cannot relate to, and happen to think it unsanitary and just plain gross...Please....please....PLEASE make it so that WHATEVER happens....it STAYS personal!  Don't punish me for you life choices!!!

"Where have all the YOUNG men gone.....LONG time passing..."

Not a huge fan of this dated tune, but....one has to admit it asks some very hard questions....
questions that have been flooding my mind since my arrival to what I thought would be the "Mecca" for attractive, single, successful young LDS men...a proverbial "field...white, all ready to harvest...."

Oh...I have definitely found those white fields...a little too white....

The man (40s) who hands me my newspaper every day as I exit the metro....he looks me up and down and won't give me the newspaper until he has time to give me a compliment about how beautiful I look....nice...but weird.

The man (50s) at Au bon Pain  (cafe) on the corner...where I USED to get an occasional bagel or cup of fruit in the morning.  I think it took him several minutes to count my change in between the winks and pick up lines he was slathering on me......so much for breakfast.....

Or there is the guy at work who is about my dad's age....which no offense poppa...but....having a man your age hit on me just plain FREAKS me out!  The fact that he is married makes it even worse....woof!

Or the squirly, white, nerdy man (30s) who actually smooched his lips at me as he was exiting the metro....I think my jaw dropped....

The crowning jewel in my list of the unwanted admirers....was the CHICK...yes....GIRL... at Cosi (my lunch spot) who came on to me as she was ringing me up!  I was so flustered...trying to get away as quickly as I could that I literally dropped everything I was carrying....lunch and all....on the floor! 

This brings me back to where I started...with the age-old...poignant question....

"WHERE have all the YOUNG men gone? LONG time passing...."

I blame Jane Austen....

Sometimes I am amazed at how I survive on my own...in a big city....


My commute each day consists of a bus ride to the Pentagon where I catch the metro into downtown.  It has been a fairly easy process and has quickly become a routine... so much so that I don't have to think about it anymore....or so I thought.

A few weeks ago I am waiting for the bus home from the Pentagon...and am engrossed in Jane Austen (can you blame me?) and I see the green ART bus pull up and looked up to see that it was #87 which is my bus. 

I did not recognize the bus driver....and I know all the bus drivers for my route..RED FLAG #1: ..but did I question....NO....he must be new right?  So I show him my apt ID (I get free rides through my apt complex)....and he gives me this really confused look...RED FLAG #2....but neither of us say anything...of course...and he just waves me on. A minute or two before the bus pulls away I notice the bus driver talking to a few people outside and I think that I recognize a few as people who usually ride my bus...RED FLAG #3 ...hmmmm...that's weird...back to Jane Austen.....Captain Wentworth....yummm

when....
I look up and notice that instead of continuing into town....the bus is getting on the freeway..
RED FLAG #4.......aka the "Past the point of NO return" flag.... or the "you're so dumb...how many red flags do you need!" flag....
...it is then that I finally pull myself from the pages of "Persuasion" and the dreadful truth sets in.... I am on the wrong bus...the 87 Xpress....and I have absolutely NO clue where I am going to end up!  I try to stay calm as we zoom past my apartment complex on the 395 toward Richmond.  After five minutes or so we get off the freeway and I am frozen...trying to look calm and collected on the outside...while panicking and cursing Jane Austen in my head. 

What do I do?  Stay on for the whole route until it goes back to the pentagon?  That would take hours! What if I get off and catch the 87Xpress that is going in the opposite direction back to the pentagon? 

I am going through different scenarios in my head when I realize that the further I go, the more lost and disoriented I will become....if I am going to act....I need to act now! Before I knew it....I find myself jumping off at the next stop.  As the bus pulls away...I am left speechless as I take in my surroundings. 

There I am in a run-down graffiti covered part of town...the apts and buildings have bars on the windows...and I quickly realize that not only am I the only woman in sight....but the only white person as well. 

I am going to die!!!!!!  and all because of Jane Austen!

I cross the street to wait for the next bus which according to the schedule wasn't due for another 20 minutes.  A lot can happen in 20 minutes....I mean....let's be honest....I watch CSI...20 minutes could be the difference between life and death....

So...what do I do?  I start walking.  I walk back the way the bus came....figuring if anything, I will be walking along the bus route and can get on when it comes but won't have to wait at a stop like a sitting duck.  I remember mom telling me that if I am walking alone to "walk with a purpose" and to not look like easy prey....I had to remind myself that she used the word "walk" and not "run" as I passed bar after bar...with groups of sloshed men gathered outside and rundown warehouses. 

I don't think I have ever "walked" so fast or with so much "purpose" in my life...

Almost an hour later...I found this path that led under the freeway and back into a nearby neighborhood and eventually.... I made it home in one piece.  I walked in...happier than ever to be home!  I sat down, tried to calm my "poor nerves" and mend my ragged confidence....and put my Jane Austen aside as punishment for all the misheif she had caused....

Reality my friends....is NEVER this pretty?

One of the more famous shots...she makes it look so fun...with this coy look as if to say "whoops...I can't believe this happened...".  At least she still looks beautiful and sexy...let me tell you how this really happens...in reality...

You are walking down a crowded, D.C. street on a muggy Saturday.  Just finished some shopping so your hands are full.  You look around...taking in all the sights and sounds...you glance in at the restaurant you are passing filled with customers all escaping the heat for an afternoon snack...when all of a sudden....WHOOOOOSH...suddenly an enormous gust of air rushes up from a vent that you didn't know you were walking on and instead of people...and the restaurant...all you see is the hem of your skirt.

You try not panic and make more of a scene...even though the thought of your frilly unmentionables on display for all to see consumes your thoughts.  You speed up and try to make it past the vent only to find that the vent goes on for half a block!  You try to push your skirt down...sadly it won't stay down because of the constant whips of air escaping the vents below...let alone the fact that your hands are full from the days activities.  Finally you get your senses together and realize that if you merely take one step to the left you will no longer be standing over the vent.  You try to go on walking as normal...fight the urge to put your head down and escape the scene of your embarrassing display...maybe even chuckle a bit to act like it was no big deal... you have to hold on to the shreds of dignity you have left.

Now this experience...purely fictional...taught me a few valuable lessons:

1. When walking down a street in D.C. PAY ATTENTION...you never know what exciting situations may confront you!
2. Put weights in the hem of your skirts...
3. Wear very large sunglasses so people can't actually see your face and be able to identify you later as the flasher...
4. Last but not least...even though my good friend Marilyn could pull it off...she had a crew setting things up to make everything perfect...REALITY...where there are no crews preparing us for such situations is UGLY...you can even ask those poor people in the restaurant.

Alright everyone...stay calm...now's not the time to lose our heads!!!!

So I am sitting in the the office the other week and receive the following e-mail:

Building Security has advised that the police have secured our building so that you cannot exit the building.  We do not know the nature of the situation and will provide more information when we receive it.  They will give us word if we need to take any other action.

uhh....words like "police" and followed by "secured" or "situation" never bring warm fuzzies...in fact those are the types of things you only want to hear on t.v....again....the first thing I think of is...there's a shooter on the loose!  (don't know what it is with me and my fear of being shot....) I never heard anything again for the rest of the afternoon....

I found out the next day it was a bomb threat....no biggy

Human Trafficking...it's a dirty business

D.C. comes ALIVE after five o'clock!  It is no wonder...the work day has come to an end and people emerge from their cold sterile cubicles into the streets, eager to leave the office behind and enjoy a night of freedom and leisure.  But, before one can embark on such a night...one has to bravely go where WAY too many have gone before...underneath the city's streets through dirty tunnels and passages...and cram onto germ-infested trains..stuffed with hundreds of other humans all desperate to get out of dodge!

Thousands of people pour into each station completely filling the platforms and every available space.  There are no lines...no sense of order.  People slowly squish closer and closer as the trains arrive trying to maneuver themselves in such a way guaranteeing they are the FIRST to get on.  I can't help but chuckle as I see grown men and woman running full boar (bodies, bags, briefcases, flying everywhere) trying to make it on the train...( "Hurry!!!! It's the last train out of Nam!!!!") only to then have the doors shut right before they make it..."NO" they yell...hand out dramatically...watching their train pull away.  And they are left, dejected, heaving from their physical exertion...for another 2 minutes...until the next train comes.

As devastating as it is to wait for two more minutes for the next train...it doesn't necessarily get any better once you make it on the train.  You are literally swept (it is either that or get trampled) onto the train as if caught in a river's current.  And just like a river's current does not ebb or change course when there is an object in its path...neither does the flow of "human debris" pouring onto the metro trains...pushing anyone standing in its path aside.  Once the car has been packed so tightly that the doors can barely close, it departs.  With every bump, turn, push on the break some part of you collides with some part of several other people...all the while trying to never make eye contact pretending you don't seem to notice.  Sometimes I wonder if there are cameras set up and the drivers make it as bumpy and jerky as possible just to see the awkwardness that ensues.  There was one ride in particular that no matter how I situated myself my posterior was smashed against the man behind me...I wanted to turn around and say..."what can I say...it's my best side"...but figured drawing more attention to the fact that my behind was "all up in his grill" would only make it more awkward.

Some of my favorite metro trips have included some woman preaching to the whole car that she was in hell and God saved her.  Let's just say...she had a LOT of passion.  Or, the time when, as usual...the train was overcrowded and this elderly Asian woman sitting down was reading her newspaper, and the backpack of the girl standing in front of her kept brushing her newspaper.  I watched as she continued to get more and more irritated until she started hitting the girl's backpack with her newspaper!  I have seen a number of uses for newspapers in my day i.e. wrapping for glass items, paper machete projects, fire starter, bedding for the homeless, spit wads, heaven forbid....reading, and even toilet paper...guess I have one more to add to the list.

Lessons Learned

These last few weeks starting my new life in a big city...has taught me a LOT... 

• If I had no source of Divine help and my life was left completely up to me...it would be a MESS!!!
• There is no point in trying to do your hair...because within 5 minutes it has wilted
• Always take something to read on the metro...it makes you look more intelligent...and gives you something to do
• Take a seperate pair of comfy shoes to wear to and from work...cuts down on the blisters
• Don't smile at everyone you see on the street...some men will take it the wrong way...
• This is not Utah...everything is more... colorful: the faces...the language...the styles...

One of my favorite lessons:

This last week I went through the self-checkout lane at Giant (don't know why...I hate them) and forgot that I requested $20 cash back.  Luckily Annette was in the next lane...so while I helped her another man came through my lane and asked me if I had used that lane.  Confused...I asnwered, "Yes". 

He smiled and help up the $20 bill!  After thanking him over and over he said, "I just wanted to show you that there are some honest people left in this world."

It doesn't matter where you live...what the crime rate is...there are good people everywhere...thank heaven for that!