"For attractive lips, speak works of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone."

-Audrey Hepburn

Friday, July 29, 2011

HIV 101

Let’s all take a journey back to 8th grade….everyone’s favorite class --

A whole hour where they stuff pubescent boys and girls raging with hormones they don’t even know how to pronounce, let alone control, into one room. An hour to share all sorts of terrifying stories and pictures of sores, rashes, diseases, and dying people, all in an effort to educate kids….and to strike enough fear in their hearts that they will choose to abstain from any dangerous or premature sexual activity.

Now, fast forward 10 years. Imagine you are a single Mormon girl (in every sense of the word) and have just been told you tested positive for HIV. I know 10 years is a long time, but I don’t think the average American needs a refresher on how one contracts HIV...but I included them anyway:

1) Sharing needles (yeah right! I have to hold back tears every time I get a shot)
2) Blood transfusions (blood and needles! No. Way.)
3) From mother to child (not that I know of – mom?)
4) Sexual activity (yeah, that is a definite NO).

In that NONE of the causes listed above apply to me there is no other explanation…

it must be a curse from God…right?

This is my trial.  Mary had the Son of God out of wedlock...and I...I get HIV.

A few months ago I was feeling particularly Christ like and told the Lord that I would be willing to die if I could do more for my family on the other side, help them to be stronger and make it to the Celestial Kingdom together.  Maybe in hindsight I should have been a little more specific on my preferred demise...but I guess I never imagined ...HIV….really?!

I have to be honest, I cried like a baby.  In fact, I cried like I have never cried before after I delivered the terrifying news to my mother. (How do you even begin that conversation? “Mom….uhhhh…..I swear….I didn’t do anything….but…” ) Yeah, it was awful. Needless to say, my mother was on a plane and by my side in less than 24 hours. 

Two days later the infectious disease specialist notified me that I had been grossly misdiagnosed, and DO NOT...I repeat....DO NOT have HIV!

I am actually considering writing a book... "Living with HIV - The worst two days of my life".

SO... if any of you are in serious need of a good wake-up call….feel like your spirituality is lacking...need to reevaluate your life...I have just the Dr. for you!

When it POURS

“Whitney, this is Dr. B------ I am calling to let you know that you have Strep throat and a severe case of Mononucleosis. You should be feeling better in 8-15 weeks.”

“Whitney, this is Dr. B------, your other test results came back. It looks like your liver enzymes are elevated which could be the mono, or it could be auto immune liver disease. You also tested positive for Lyme disease, and your ANA test (tests for rheumatologic diseases like lupus) came back positive. You need to see a rheumatologist.”

“Whitney, this is Dr. ‘He-who-shall-not-be-named’.”

Seriously??? Haven’t you done enough!

“Normally I wouldn’t give this kind of news over the phone, but I am leaving town tomorrow for a week, and this couldn’t wait……”

Words you NEVER want to hear...from ANYONE... (unless, of course, it was Michael Buble calling to let you know that he did feel the connection at the concert last March and he knows you are meant to be together)

Wait a minute…the only other test he ran was…

“Your HIV test came back….it was positive. Here is the name of an infectious disease specialist. I am so sorry.”

And people wonder why I don’t answer the phone.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Eve & Oak

A little while ago I took care of my cousin's two adorable children while she and her husband took a much needed vacation to NYC. I was excited, and happy to help, but I have to be honest....I was a bit nervous. My babysitting days seems like eons ago and although I have spent a good amount of time with Eve and Oak this was Becky and Scott's first time away and it was really important that the weekend go well.

Here are a few of the highlights:

-Homemade play dough! 

-Snuggling. ALWAYS a favorite.

-Oak calling me mom....more like "Ma" all weekend. It was great!
-Eve pretending to eat Oak. "Oh no!" I cried, grabbing her stomach "Give him back!" She would then spit him back out and before I was done cheering she would gobble him up again saying, "I ate Oak! Now he is turning into poop!"

-Eve helping me drive. Don't panic....she was in her car seat the WHOLE time. She has learned that the yellow signs on the road mean to be careful or watch out. Each time we would pass one I would hear, "Whitney, watch out for walking people, Ok".....or "Whitney watch out for cars, ok"....or "Whitney watch out for the turn".

-Notes from Eve. That's right....she is not even 4 yet and she is writing. She spells phonetically so she will write down the letters as she sounds out the word. For example: "Whitney.....W.....I.....T.....E.....Whitney!" As you can see sometimes letters are left out. The worst was when she would hand the note to me and watch me read it then ask, "What does it say?" "Uhhh....." frantically trying to decipher her writing...."I don't know Eve." "YES you do! You know these letters!"

-Eve was Daniel for most of the weekend. She would walk around talking as if she was in the lions den and every time I would call for her, "Hey Eve" she would correct me, "I'm Daniel"....or "Eve, do you want to go home and play with the play dough like we did yesterday?" she would respond, "I don't will have to ask Eve when she comes back." The amazing thing is that she stayed in character (except for a few minutes here or there) for TWO days!

-One of the times Eve was not Daniel she decided to be another "visitor". "Whitney, look over here and pretend you see someone coming down from the clouds." She straightened up and walked very slowly and deliberately towards me with her hands out....palms up. "Oak! I think I see someone coming down out of the sky! Who could it be?" "I'm Jesus" Eve replied in a low soothing voice. "Jesus?? You came to visit Oak and me?" "Yes, the disciples are back fixing the boat". She then continued to ask various questions like, "What is this (referring to the play dough)?"..."Where is Eve"...."What are you doing?"....."Are you so excited to see me?" She then explained that she had to go help the disciples with the boat, but wanted to make sure I let Eve know that Jesus came to visit. A few seconds later Eve, playing herself, ran back into the room bright eyed “Whitney, did anyone come and visit??”

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bedtime Stories...

So the other night I am lying in bed and my roommate Brea asked me to tell her some stories....this is the conversation that ensued:

W:"Have I told you about the time I was Juliet in my 6th grade play and Romeo stripped the screws from the table that was to be my in the scene where I drank the potion to make it seem like I was dead I laid on the table only to have it skirt flying front of the ENTIRE school?"

B:"Yeah....that was a good one"

W:"What about the time the heat lamp over our baby chickens fell and caught our laundry room on fire not only killing the chickens, but nearly destroying the entire west side of our house?"

B:"Didn't your neighbor invite you over for fried chicken that night?"


W: "Ok...well one time in China I locked my keys in my apt and it was a holiday one was in town that could help us and we were supposed to catch a bus to Guilin the next morning.  We lived on the top floor of an apt building so we went up the roof and discussed all possible options (one of which being tying a rope to Melissa and hoisting her over the side and through a window).  Well Kelsi realized that her bathroom window and mine was only about a foot and a half apart so....on of us could climb out her bathroom window and into mine."

B: "This is a high rise apt. building?"

W: "Yep....sniff.....I was going to do it, but I was wearing a skirt and we were concerned that it would not allow me to "maneuver" myself Kelsi bravely volunteered.  Melissa and I wrapped ourselves around her leg and torso (anchoring her) as she climbed out the window and swung her leg across to my bathroom.  Then Melissa held my legs as I stuck most of my body outside the window to help secure/push Kelsi into my bathroom.  By the time she made it we realized that a crowd of people had congregated below...watching the "crazy" Americans! "

B: "What were you thinking?"

W: "Yeah....that was pretty stupid now that I think about it"

B: "One more"

W: "Ok....I will tell you something that I have only told ONE other person.....

B: ...........??

W: "............uhhhh..............I went to space camp............."

B: "Like the NASA one?"

W: " Star Trek space camp"

B: Brea laughing her guts out

W: "Yeah.....yeah....laugh it up!  I know....."

B: "What did you do?"

W: "Well we were divided up into teams/ships and we were put in rooms or simulators and had to work together to save the galaxy from evil aliens"

B: .....laughing even harder now......

W: "One time I got to be captain and give all the orders....yeah....."

B: "And?"

W: "Our ship was taken over by aliens and we all died"

Monday, January 10, 2011

Monday, Monday....

6:10 a.m. crawling around on the floor....disoriented....trying to find where I hid my phone the night before
6:25 a.m. wake up a second time to my alarm.....get on my knees
6:35 a.m. still on my knees.....I like to think that I can pray in my sleep
6:40 a.m. eat breakfast while standing in my closet trying to figure out what to wear
6:50 a.m. Still standing in my idea what to wear
7:10 a.m. running out the door forgetting my scarf and gloves grabbing the thinnest coat I own
7:12 a.m. FREEZING at the bus stop......
7:15 a.m. Realized that I forgot to brush my teeth
7:16 a.m. a friend from the ward sits down by me on the bus....spent the whole 15 min bus ride talking out the side of my mouth
8:00 a.m. get to work and realize that I forgot my security badge....whoops 
8:30 a.m.Call my insurance company only to find out that even though I am paying for services I do not exist in their is REALLY not the time to get shot!
9:30 a.m. Still on the phone trying to figure out my insurance "situation" when I hear a BANG BANG BANG Then my boss yells "What are you doing??" BANG BANG BANG another yell "Go around!' "What are you doing!?"
9:35 a.m. Get off the phone to see almost everyone else in the office crowded in my boss's office.
9:35 a.m. Sit in my boss's office watching a disoriented man (wearing a dirty sweatshirt, REALLY baggy pants ...backwards....that actually spent most of the time around his ankles, and one shoe) standing in the bushes outside the window trying to open a door he thought existed in the brick wall next to the window. 
9:40 a.m. Security shows up to handle the situation
9:40-10 a.m. watch the man walk around and try to get in other cars when the police officer went to get him some water....then fall over and roll around on the ground.....crawl on his hands and knees down the road.....
10 a.m. It was unanimously decided that the man had escaped from the psych ward....upstairs
12 p.m. Eat lunch while discuss all the shootings/stabbings/muggings that have happened in the last week....sadly it was all news to me.
3 p.m. a girl (Kellie) I work with runs out of the office exclaiming that she burnt a bag of popcorn
3:02 p.m. office smells AWFUL and I start teasing Kellie that she is going to set the fire alarm off
3:05 p.m. smoke is billowing out of the break room
3:10 p.m. fire alarm goes off and the entire building is evacuated
3:30 p.m. standing outside with everyone glaring at us because the truth had gotten around and they realized this was all because of burnt popcorn
 4:00 p.m. security and environmental services are still in the office....asking questions and drilling Kellie on smart microwave use - Security officer : "Haven't you been told that when you are using the microwave you don't walk away from it?" Kellie: "I was always told that microwaves cause I always walk away!"  and so on......
4:30 p.m. I sit in my desk as I watch Kenny.(the guy in charge) wheel our microwave out of the office on his cart.  He said it was punishment and exclaimed, "You know you ain't never gonna get this back." I sat there feeling like a scolded child.....meanwhile....Kellie is hiding out in her office with the door closed....can't really blame her
4:30 - 5:00 p.m. sit at the front desk as person after person walk by on their way home making comments or shooting evil looks......
5:10 p.m.Heave a sigh of relief as I lock up for the night and get to leave the office and all its craziness behind

UNTIL TOMORROW that is......

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


So I was on my way to meet my roommate for lunch last week and a woman, not a few steps away from me, suddenly tripped only to find herself sprawled across the pavement of the busy sidewalk at Dupont Circle.  Not only did the events that led to her dramatic spill draw much attention, to make matters worse....her slinky above-the-knee length dress bounced up and settled on her back revealing what should have been her posterior covered with some sort of "frilly unmentionables". 

Now I can totally sympathize with this situation...having recently exposed my own frilly unmentionables for all to see while standing over a city vent on a busy street....she took it to a whole new level.  After her body came to a skidding halt I suddenly realized that she had the behind alright....without any semblance of frilly anythings....I was so surprised in fact that....I have to admit...I jerked around....eyes the size of make sure I wasn't imagining things.... 

Sure enough....there she was laying on the sidewalk bare bum for all to see.  What made it worse was that the shock and scrapes that accompanied the fall consumed her attention for the first few minutes...making her in no hurry to get up...let alone realize how exposed the was and pull her skirt down. 

Let this be a lesson to all you commando-going lovers out there...yes... you may think it your personal much as I cannot relate to, and happen to think it unsanitary and just plain gross...Please....please....PLEASE make it so that WHATEVER STAYS personal!  Don't punish me for you life choices!!!

"Where have all the YOUNG men gone.....LONG time passing..."

Not a huge fan of this dated tune, has to admit it asks some very hard questions....
questions that have been flooding my mind since my arrival to what I thought would be the "Mecca" for attractive, single, successful young LDS men...a proverbial "field...white, all ready to harvest...."

Oh...I have definitely found those white fields...a little too white....

The man (40s) who hands me my newspaper every day as I exit the metro....he looks me up and down and won't give me the newspaper until he has time to give me a compliment about how beautiful I look....nice...but weird.

The man (50s) at Au bon Pain  (cafe) on the corner...where I USED to get an occasional bagel or cup of fruit in the morning.  I think it took him several minutes to count my change in between the winks and pick up lines he was slathering on much for breakfast.....

Or there is the guy at work who is about my dad's age....which no offense poppa...but....having a man your age hit on me just plain FREAKS me out!  The fact that he is married makes it even worse....woof!

Or the squirly, white, nerdy man (30s) who actually smooched his lips at me as he was exiting the metro....I think my jaw dropped....

The crowning jewel in my list of the unwanted admirers....was the CHICK...yes....GIRL... at Cosi (my lunch spot) who came on to me as she was ringing me up!  I was so flustered...trying to get away as quickly as I could that I literally dropped everything I was carrying....lunch and all....on the floor! 

This brings me back to where I started...with the age-old...poignant question....

"WHERE have all the YOUNG men gone? LONG time passing...."